Posts about you.

If only i could find a song that truly represents how i feel and what i wanna say, I'll dedicate to you, & maybe even sing it to you to let you know and understand.

No matter how long people are gonna wait,

It's never gonna be enough. No longer how much effort they put in for you, you'll never be satisfied enough.

Like what i've told you before,

True emotions are to be felt by the heart, not through visual or verbal actions.

No matter how many times i tried to run away to avoid the truth, i'll still have to come t realise that there's still things left undone for me

We should be a part, not apart.

Just a look, & i know you're not happy. & i tried to find out about it.

I've heard about what happened. You weren't even happy on stage. I knew something was wrong. But i couldn't text or call out to you. I wanted to be there for you, but i'm sorry. I just can't anymore. I guess, things would be better for you like how it is going through. You've made new friends. & it's good to see. But for right now, this isn't the point. I was pissed when i heard about what happened. Perhaps you did explained, perhaps your instructor didn't allow you to explain. I wanted to fight for your chance for you, but then i realised, I can't. I wanted to do it for you in your shadows, but i don't know how to. I guess you have your friends to talk to now. & i'm sorry to have heard about what happened, but yet i can't do anything to make you feel any better.

You wouldn't know this,

But throughout the entire performance, i was looking @ you throughout. I thought you saw me looking @ you, & i looked down. You might have smiled, but i know it's not right. I texted Audrey to ask her about it. I was correct, there was something wrong. I heard you cried, but got to know that you were better after a moment. Nevertheless, i still think about you all the time. It's not about whether it's lovers or nothing. But when it comes to the person that i'm fond of, someone that i love, i can't take it. I get over-sensitive, i get head over toes for you, i get insane thinking about you, I get affected by the things i hear about you, the things i know when it comes to you, & the things that reminds me of you. I miss you much. Veryvery much. I hate it when i'm putting up with these emotional posts. But i really am not able to tolerate it anymore. I'm losing grip of myself. I'm veryvery tired waiting now, when it's truly over already. I know you need to talk to someone, & i'm sorry that i can't be there anymore. I guess, from how things are going on this way, you and i could never return back to how we were 3-4 years ago. I'm not trying to exaggerate, but everytime i want to come your blog, my heart stops me. Because everytime i come to your blog, i know something else about you. I could almost feel how you feel. I could almost feel your outrage and outbursts of emotions @ times. I don't know whether is it just me or what. But i get affected veryvery easily after knowing things about you. But for what we've become now, i could only stand a side, and not stretching my hands out to interrupt with things. I'm sorry for not being able to be there, but i'm sure there's someone who values much more than me now.

Medical Checkup Report:
Abnormal Heart Rate : 47 bpm.

Marked Sinus With Bradycardia.

I've have to get back to my Cardiologist to know about my heart.

Torn ligament @ the ankle, resulting in loose ankle = Easily sprained or possibility of breaking ankle. (Just have to be more conscious about my ankle now already. Didn't even know i had a Torn Ligament @ my ankle.)

Have yet to know about my Urine & Blood Test.

Need to get back to KKH for Cardiac Check-Up.

(That should be all i guess.)

Emotionally Unwell.

My own quotes, for the day:

"I have to learn to stop visiting your blog."
"I hate to know that my best friend is spending as much time as i did with the one i love."

To Boy:

You'll never know why i did that. You'll never. & I'll never let you know. _|_

To Girl:

glad to see that you're doing fine. I see no reasons for you to brood over such matters of losing someone like me. Because if i were to really meant something to you, this wouldn't be happening.

To Own:

"Get over her.". Is what he constantly reminds himself to do. But it seems impossible. He needs someone to talk to, but everyone is drifting away from him. He need concern from people out there, but there seems noone available for him.

Someone said, 'There're so many other fishes in the sea, so many other trees in the forest, but why did you have to choose the one?' I replied, 'Because she's the one that stands out, the one that caught my attention.'

He knows you don't miss him anymore.

He knows you've gotten over him.

He knows, it has all ended.

He knows, you're carrying on with life.

He knows, things can never be the same again.

He knows, everything now is about you.

He knows, He's falling deeper for you.

He knows, he loves you.

& He knows, he can't get over you.

Fuck you, if you said you're a friend of mine.

I can't stand it when i know you went out with some other guys, & they're someone close to me. Don't you think you've being a little too much in giving me what i don't deserve? I've received all kinds of treatment from you already. Now you're closed with everyone i used to be. Forget it, i was having second thoughts about leaving. But now, i've decided. I really should. I'm washing my hands off you, you both. Don't claim to be my best friend while you're behind me trying to look nice.

P/s : If you're my bestest friend, please do understand. If you try to get my girl, me and you are no longer friends _|_ I promise you this.

Don't ever think it's so gonna happen for me to get over you so soon.

Reality always hit you all the time.
It just depends on how you react and take them on. It has always been true that I've stayed loyal to listening to almost your every single thing you had to say when you need someone to talk to. You've never put words into my mouth before, you've never pushed the blame to me before, you've never hurt me so much before. You make it sound like words you said could be done so easily. Do you think it'd be so easy to get over you? To forget all those memories we once had. I've never thought the both of us would have ended. I guess, i was first priority when it comes to looking for someone to talk to. But I've never thought, there came a female, when it slowly became that you both became the best of the best friends, & then soon, you started finding out things about me. I didn't even know why. You should have known, our status between each other between me and her. You gotta know, if you're fond of someone, every single thing that you've done with the person, it'll affect you someway. Either in a sense of happiness, or a hit-back by reality. Please do try to understand, boys also have feelings also. It doesn't mean, i might be a boy, & i have a stronger appearance on the outside, would actually mean that I'm stronger on the inside. If you've been thinking that way, you're wrong. I cried, on that night that i asked to severe ties with you. I don't know whether you'll feel the same way as i do. But i guess, it doesn't really matters to you now already. I've just made a clean swipe between the both of us. & I'm sure you'll be better off without me. I need a break from all these hit-backs by reality. It's really wearing me off thin. I've tried to patch things up with you. But in the end, it gets destroyed and it pushed me hard down into the ground. I've been trying, trying to find someone to talk to. Hoping it'd give me the feeling, of allowing me to feel that it's you. To let me pretend that I'm talking to you, and also talking about you. It doesn't feel like you, not even a single little bit. I was hoping so much, within the few days, I'd receive a text from you. But i didn't. & I guess, for now. I wouldn't want to receive. Like i said, for this short period of time. Let me grab a hold of myself. I'm seriously losing control. My patience has been wearing thin already, way too thin for me to handle. Give me these few days to grab a hold on regain consciousness of my inner-self. I misses talking happy words with you so much. Where every single message would make me smile whether I'm in public or at home. It might just be embarrassing to look @ my phone & smile like as if I'm doing something stupid. It used to be like this, but it's not coming back again. I know it's not. As long as I'm not first priority, it's never. You've always used to think about how i feel so much. Always thought about how i am. But things are not the same anymore. I feel, that you've slowly been taking me for granted. Like as if, you just met me, and I'm someone annoying. Perhaps you didn't know, but it's hurting receiving treatments like this from you. I had to put on a front, a happy/brave front when I'm out of my house. I don't allow others to see how I'm feeling. Neither do i let them know that I'm not feeling myself. Unless it's @ the peak of my emotions. & I can't tolerate it anymore. & i might just be bursting into tears anytime. None of my listening ears now feels like you. They could never make me feel okay after a period of texting or talking to each other. They can't. It's not easy for me getting over you. It's not. After all these memories we've got through. For approximately 4 years, we've been at goodfriends, at least. & now, you're asking me to let go of you. It might appear easy for you. But it's not for me.

It's okay,

I'll be that shadow following you everytime, I'll be that breeze that brush across your face, I'll be that pillar of faith and strength that you need when you need me. In silence, I'll be supporting you. I'll be morally-supporting you. You won't know how. But I'll be that something to listen to your inner-conscience when you need someone to talk to. Just listen to yourself, and talk to your heart. & listen to what your heart says. I'll be your inner-conscience.

I was suppose to pass you this before you went off.

I don't know if you remembered.
But i used to be the one whom you used to look upon on whenever you needed someone. For at least 4 years, I've always tried my best to be there. You're acting like, you just met me yesterday. & all the things i used to do for you, you've forgotten about it. I don't even know what has gotten into you. But I'm tired already. I'm breaking down soon if this were to continue. I cannot always take the blame you put on me. & when I'm just got to pick myself up.You hit me back in the face again. I'm tired of explaining everytime already. From today onwards, you live your life. I live mine. We walk our own paths. If you'll ever try to intervene with my pathway for my life, i won't even acknowledge you. Like i said, if we'll to walk on the streets tomorrow or someday. & we see each other, please pretend, we've never met before.

It's saturday today.

& I've just finished my training and I'm @ home now. I'm feeling a little uncomfortable. My body within is feeling veryvery warm. It's like i'm having fever within. But guess i'll be fine soon. It's not easy for me to fall ill.

I was trying to be ignorant.
& tried to pretend i didn't see you send that text. You used to crushed me, but what happened? It was gone. & everything between us has stopped isn't it?

Listen to me

My friend told me this,

"Did you know that when people appear in your dreams, it's because that person wants to see you." I was hoping so much that it'll be true. At first, i only knew, if you dream of the person, means you think of the person too much. & that you are/ have been too occupied having thoughts about that someone. But do you know that, i dreamt about you twice. Twice during the period that you were gone. Were you really thinking about me like what the quote says? I dreamt twice. They happened of different scenarios. One of it, i woke up trembling. I woke up with my entire body drenched in cold sweat. I was so afraid of that dream. It couldn't even be a dream i guess. It was a nightmare. I was so afraid. & I didn't want that to happen to me in real life. That's why, I've learnt to realised, that i need you in my life. & i can't do without you. I want us back to where we came from. & how we started out being fond of one another. & was even supposed to go catch a movie together. I regretted, we didn't watch that movie. I wished, time could rewind. & you'll say what you said to me that day again. Regarding to us about the movie, the night i send you home, & all of our memories on the virtual world and actual world. I never want it to stop. I want it to carry on.

But,

I'm afraid. Blames, Fingers, Faults, will get pushed @ me again. & for no reason. We got into a huge quarrel just like that. I want you back, but i want to stop all these quarrels between the both of us. Will you do that, for me dear?

Thanks, my love.

It's about 8.30pm already.

& I've yet to receive any news about you. I don't know if you're back in Singapore already or not.

Oh wait,
No. I've just received a text from you. I can tell you, My mood is like over the moon y'all! Right Audrey? HAHAHA. Yes, @ least now i know, you're finally back in Singapore in one piece. & I'm super happy about it. Never thought that you'd buy me gifts also. Hahaha.

I shall end my post here.

Hahaha. BYEBYEEEE!

It's good to know that you're coming back home.

Overdue Pictures from Sakae.

For the love, that i love.

I'm glad that you're finally coming back home today already.

Somewhere around a week have already passed. You'll i guess you'll be back in Singapore sometime today. Seriously, i can't wait. But you wouldn't know either. So it's okayy (: I know i'm happy having you, i'm contented having you already. Guess you have gotten over me also. But i can tell you, for this few days, or maybe since the moment we had our quarrels, I've been missing you terribly. It's like, the feeling of missing you, is overwhelming me. & I can't help myself to stop missing you. It's okay, sometimes missing you makes me upset, but sometimes, it makes you feel great. Because i know, at least i've gotten wonderful memories once with you together before. & that just makes me so much happier.

I can't wait to wait for my phone to ring,
& see that I've got new message. & that message is from you.

When i had you in my arms,

& within my reach.

Baby, I still feel that you're Beautiful

This song reminds me of you.

P/s: Please stop the music before playing this.

Goodbye, My love.

You're gone just this morning. I wanted to meet you up to pass you something that you could keep with you for your trip. But i didn't. I guess, there just wasn't enough time. I spend the entire night doing that for you. I stayed up till 1.11am till i finally finished making it. It's the Second time i made something for someone who's important to me. I thought maybe it'll make you happy if you keep it by your side. But I was too late. By the time I'm in school already, You've left in the School Bus already.

I have to admit.
I was disappointed that i didn't get to pass it to you. I made it with tons of love, thoughts & filled it with warmth & smiles specially for you. I was carrying so much faith and hope, that you'll be so happy if you receive that from me. Followed by a farewell hug. Perhaps you'll leave school, with a smile on your face. & maybe, you might hold it tight as i walk awhile smiling @ you. But unfortunately, you left even before i reached school. I'm sorry for being late.

I didn't mean to be a stalker,

But I've got your photos in my phone. Due to not being able to come online on weekdays. I had no choice, this is the closest way i could see you. & Everytime i miss you, I'll just have to see my Screensaver & you'll be there. Or i could just browse my galleries, & see you there. Yknow, i can't seemed to find any ugly pictures of you. Even if you said it's ugly, or it's unglam, i don't feel the same way as you feel. It's like, As if, you're born beautiful from whichever angle that i see you. & I believe, you'll always be. Please trust me, you'll always be beautiful, My girl.

Yknow,

I'm addicted to having your presence surrounding me. Or even having your presence & feeling your existence near me. It's like, it's a must for me to go to your blog everytime i have Internet Access. I need to know how you are doing. I need to know that you're doing fine. For now, that's the only way for me to still know how you're doing. I miss you so much, & it resulted in the habit of me having to go to your blog everytime i gain Internet Access. I love reading your posts so much, because it seriously makes me happy. Especially when your posts are about me. But i guess, the chances of you posting about me, are getting lesser already.

But still,

Please, remember that promise you made for me. You'll be happy, no matter what obstacles comes for you. That mesmerizing smile that I've always yearned so much for. Please, for my sake, keep that smile up for me. I don't wanna see you upset, Please.

I miss you.

I'm sorry i can't be, Perfect

I don't think you'll be able to see what I'm going to post here before you leave tomorrow. But still, i'm gonna post just for this small little chance that you might come online to view my blog before you go off tomorrow morning. I'll be fighting for this small chance you might come. But it's okay if you don't.

I've been thinking,
Whether to make a small gift for you, before you leave Singapore tomorrow & travel to somewhere else. But that small thing, would remind you, that i'll be constantly thinking about you when you're gone. & hope you do the same for me also. One week ain't easy, but i'll get pass it. I was thinking of fetching you from the airport when you come back. But i don't know when and what time will you be back. & whether you'll be travelling back home by school bus or alone.

Please, tell me that you miss me too.

P/s: If i never get to tell you before you leave, i'll say it here. Hoping there's this slight chance you'll come online to read my blog. & If i were to see you tomorrow morning in school, & you'll approach & walk towards me, i'll tell you:

"Hey,

Guess you're going for your overseas camp later on already. Bon Voyage for your trip & please do come back in one piece & also enjoy your trip alright? Please accept this and only open/read it only when I've left. Please keep it alongside with you. & keep it safe & warm with you. Goodbye, & Imy."

Just before you go,

You're leaving tomorrow,

& probably, you'll be leaving for a week. I don't know how will i feel for the following week without you. But i just know that it's not gonna be easy. A day without you, isn't easy for me to get it over with. Now, i'll have to tolerate this for a week. How long has it been since we last talked? A day, 2 days, or a week? Now, it's another one week.

Maybe you hadn't noticed.

But without you, i'm not really showing what i'm truly feeling. I'm unsure of my emotions lately. When i smile, i don't know whether i'm really happy or not. It's confusing. & I hate this situation right now. I'm in an unclear state of emotions. & I really need to get my stand back. & i need to grab a hold of myself.

Even right now,

As i'm posting. I don't have an idea what i really want to post. My emotions are running wild. I used to be able to post continuously & not stop to think about what to post. But now, for every sentence, i have to stop. & think about, what i really wanna type.

I don't like this. Please, end this.

I Love You , is a 2 word-phrase.

Because, 'You' & 'I' is counted as 1.

Title-less

I thought i had it all,

I was Terribly wrong.

Please know that,

I've never been better off, without you. Times and everything without you. Isn't great nor good. Without you, i can't seemed to find my motivational quotes, Without you, many things goes wrong. I have an unstable flow of moods. I don't want this. I have really been wondering & thinking, what did i do wrong to make you so angry. I just can't seemed to find out why. I just can't.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Thanks to Ivan Ltw, Chee Yuinping, Mojinn Lehh, Roxanne Sylvia, Chiewy Goh, Weiru Neo, Shah Rizan, Rachel Choi, Ahwei Chua, Audrey Leong, Jelyn Koh, Yanling Tan, Gavin Liaw, Felise Tan, Shirlene Luvv, Jocelyn Chua, Ysabrell Goh, Alvin Chiphunk, Dorin Tang, Koh Yu Wei, Regine Teng, Evelyn Venice Ong, Michelle Kitty Abella Wong, Kellin Kng, Aw Chieh Liang Jason, Esther Goh, YuXiang Wong, HaoJie Koh, Powerpuff Janelle Lim, Brendon Chua, Sherlyn Neo Fang Qi, ZhiLin So Ji Lyeong, Yiying Neo, Ho YaoJoe, Nur Hafizah, Yillis Tng, Seah Kj, Cel Leste, Dain Zain, Ang Yu Ting ZhengHuan Hoe, Aileen Ong, YanTing Bombyou, Nur Syahfurah, Bella Ng, Darina Nho, Kim HongMin, Huang Kai, Hafizah Jufri, Emily Kathleen Brown, Liling Eunice Quak, Dansen John Chua, Diah S. Keenan, Jason Tey Yi Chear, Fiona Lee Jia Ying, Nicole Tang Shyan, Angela Chen Lishi, Joleen- Cxzx, Levina Teo, Huzyer Francesc, Jiaming Ong, Chiew Min, Gilyn Lim, Farah Nabilah Bte Roslee, Ng Wan Lin, Venice Pxy, Jalal Friday, Corinna Yee, Chanel Jocelyn Kiew, Sheena Tan, Darren Sim, Khaw HuiLing, Siewhwann Ng, Nur Syuhaidah Iqma, Shihua Soh, Fydie Fredward, Catherine Toh, Qiu Nan, Johner Tham, Jonathan Nasr & Iris Wong for wishing me Happy Birthday on facebook. (Not arranged in order.)

& also,

Leqi, Yuinping, Joey, Sheila, Jialing, Chermaine, Jelyn, Mingwei, Pearlyn, Miaoting, Jeslyn, Brendon, Yanling, Chanraj, Yilin, Eugene, Edmund, Geraldine, Weekiat, Sethi, Suyee, Fangting, Minpei & Audrey

& also,

Miss Loke & Sylvia to personally called me to wish me a Happy Birthday also.

& Joan for wishing me happy birthday face to face.

P/s: Sorry if i missed out any names. Do tell me, & i'll add you in.

Lastly,

Thanks for your cake, yknow who you are. :/

Best birthday ever.

On your birthday night,

All you could do was to cry.

How does it feel,

To have a million of things that you wished would never happen on you, happen on your birthday? & no matter how much you didn't want it to happen, it just seems to carry on hitting you softly & slowly killing you inside? The feeling of the penetrating knives going deeper into your skin. It doesn't feels good.

I'm not trying to seek for any attention here.

But it's just, I don't feel right nor good now. I'll admit, i'm upset. But what could i do about it? I gotta carry on.

From the very moment i woke up,

I wasn't really feeling as good though. I wanted to not go for school so much. But i couldn't. I wanted a perfect attendance for school. I don't want any bad records. I had no choice, but to face the school & my so-called friends. My class sang the birthday song for me outside class. It was nice of them, but i didn't want that. I've never liked someone trying to do so much for me. I didn't want the whole school to know about it. Only the friends of mine to know it, is sufficient already.

Then,

School ended soon later. I went outside of school, & came back. & soon started to School's Handball training. But it rained soon later. Then, i have to go off for the Youth Handball training about an hour later. It started from 6 pm till 10 plus. I reached home only @ 11, only to not find my entire family there for me to celebrate my birthday with me. I only saw my second brother & my maid home. Then, i called my mum. Only to realise she's not coming home to celebrate my birthday with me. Then i asked mum, 'Then where's korkor?' But only to find that the truth is only hurting me deeper. He's not coming home either. & my mum had asked me to blow the cake by myself. How does it feels, to know that your family can't make it back to celebrate your birthday with you. When your birthday only comes once a year. I put down the phone soon later. I laid down on my bed, only to know my tears was rolling one by one, out of my eyes. I was missing you daddy. Missing how well and comfortable it felt, to have your full family to celebrate your birthday with you. But you know, no matter how much you want that to happen again, it just won't happen anymore. Knowing that you can never bring him back anymore. Knowing he's gone to another dimension or a distant place where he belongs. My only remembrance of you celebrating my birthday with me. Was 10 years ago. & this year, it's the 11th. Never in my life, would i come back home, to only find such great disappointment. & i seriously wish i wasn't going home yesterday. After a tiring day in School & trainings, you only thing that you wish for when you reach home, is to wish for your family to be there for you. But things never go my way. I've never really reached home, being able to see my entire family at home. But, it's my birthday, at least do it for me, once a year. & I'm really not asking too much.

I laid down,
& i can't seem to stop crying. Only to realise, i cried myself to sleep last night. & i shouldn't even be crying on the night of my birthday. The pain is penetrating. It's painful. & it's hurting me much.

I wanted you to be the only one,

To be able to hear my sorrows.

Not just anyone,

But only you.