Best birthday ever.

On your birthday night,

All you could do was to cry.

How does it feel,

To have a million of things that you wished would never happen on you, happen on your birthday? & no matter how much you didn't want it to happen, it just seems to carry on hitting you softly & slowly killing you inside? The feeling of the penetrating knives going deeper into your skin. It doesn't feels good.

I'm not trying to seek for any attention here.

But it's just, I don't feel right nor good now. I'll admit, i'm upset. But what could i do about it? I gotta carry on.

From the very moment i woke up,

I wasn't really feeling as good though. I wanted to not go for school so much. But i couldn't. I wanted a perfect attendance for school. I don't want any bad records. I had no choice, but to face the school & my so-called friends. My class sang the birthday song for me outside class. It was nice of them, but i didn't want that. I've never liked someone trying to do so much for me. I didn't want the whole school to know about it. Only the friends of mine to know it, is sufficient already.

Then,

School ended soon later. I went outside of school, & came back. & soon started to School's Handball training. But it rained soon later. Then, i have to go off for the Youth Handball training about an hour later. It started from 6 pm till 10 plus. I reached home only @ 11, only to not find my entire family there for me to celebrate my birthday with me. I only saw my second brother & my maid home. Then, i called my mum. Only to realise she's not coming home to celebrate my birthday with me. Then i asked mum, 'Then where's korkor?' But only to find that the truth is only hurting me deeper. He's not coming home either. & my mum had asked me to blow the cake by myself. How does it feels, to know that your family can't make it back to celebrate your birthday with you. When your birthday only comes once a year. I put down the phone soon later. I laid down on my bed, only to know my tears was rolling one by one, out of my eyes. I was missing you daddy. Missing how well and comfortable it felt, to have your full family to celebrate your birthday with you. But you know, no matter how much you want that to happen again, it just won't happen anymore. Knowing that you can never bring him back anymore. Knowing he's gone to another dimension or a distant place where he belongs. My only remembrance of you celebrating my birthday with me. Was 10 years ago. & this year, it's the 11th. Never in my life, would i come back home, to only find such great disappointment. & i seriously wish i wasn't going home yesterday. After a tiring day in School & trainings, you only thing that you wish for when you reach home, is to wish for your family to be there for you. But things never go my way. I've never really reached home, being able to see my entire family at home. But, it's my birthday, at least do it for me, once a year. & I'm really not asking too much.

I laid down,
& i can't seem to stop crying. Only to realise, i cried myself to sleep last night. & i shouldn't even be crying on the night of my birthday. The pain is penetrating. It's painful. & it's hurting me much.

I wanted you to be the only one,

To be able to hear my sorrows.

Not just anyone,

But only you.