"Whoever says friendship is easy, has obviously never had a, True Friend." - Bronwyn Polso

I don't know where to start.

I just wanna spill everything out. But I have no idea what is it that i wanna say. I don't have a clear mind right now. Seriously, i'm tired, mentally, physically & emotionally. My relationship with everyone hasn't been going smooth. I don't know why. I'm not pointing fingers @ anything or anyone. But life isn't that great for me. In fact, it's getting worst day by day.

I have so much to say.
But if you would to remember, you told me NEVER to talk to you again. We've been friends for 4 years. It felt like we've known each other since our last life. I couldn't talk to you, no matter how much i wanted to, but now that I've got the chance, I've lost all courage to talk.

You know,

On grad night, i walked up stage, started waving my hand around. I was in fact, looking out for you. But i couldn't see you anywhere. I tried looking & looking, but i just couldn't find. So i gave up. & resumed my night as per normal. Then, it was the reception. I stood by the pillar, & from the corner of my eye, i kept looking back @ you. Hoping you'll walk up to me, and ask me to a corner to talk. But you didn't. & Frankly, i was quite disheartened. I was hoping every second, you'll walk up to me to start a speech. But you didn't. So i left school, with a broken heart. Wondering if you had been looking out for me or not. When i look @ you during recess or whenever that i see you, i just can't take it, but to stare politely for a short moment, & if you were to turn around, i'll just look away, pretending that i didn't take notice of you. The only way i could know things about you, was through your blog. You blocked me, I blocked you too. It's childish, i know. But i didn't want you to know that i'm online. Neither did you want me to know you were online isn't it ? You even changed your email. But the only place that i can know about you, without letting anyone know that i have been thinking about you, was through your blog. I didn't wanna ask anyone how was you. Only except for a few times, i ask my friends how are you. & whether you have been doing fine. I had to do all these in the shadows. & It's like as if i had something to hide. When i didn't have any at all.

What gave you the sudden outburst of courage to wanting to come patch things up with me? I have been curious, ever since felise told me, you were coming back. I was wondering and thinking, why did you want to come back suddenly? When felise told me, that you're afraid that i'll ignore you, or whatver. I was thinking to myself. Whether how i should react if you talk to me. I was considering how you'll feel if i will to ignore you. With all the courage you plucked out to come start a conversation to me. I feel that you don't deserved it. In fact, you should be the one ignoring me instead.

No, you didn't failed as a friend.

You were a wonderful friend, it's just that you thought you failed when you didn't. & you gave up on me. You didn't fail as anything. In fact, i was the one who failed. I wasn't there for you every single time when you needed me. But you had always been there when i needed someone. No matter how much weight i put onto you, you'll carry it with you at all cost & console me. You'll never let me down, you'll never leave me alone when i need someone. Only during the period when you were gone. I had noone to meet at night to sit down and talk about the smallest things, I had noone to sit the bus back from teckwhye to yewtee together with me. I had noone to meet with after school. I had noone to care for me like you used to be. That day, i lost you as my friend. It was seriously as painful as losing a family member. Like i said, it felt like as if we've known each other since our past lives. We were meant to be brothers and sisters. A friend like you, can never be found so easily. I can never have another one as compared as to you. You had been great, too great. With friends like you in my life, it'd be magnificient. It seriously would be. I'm talking like as if you played a veryvery important role in my life. In fact you are. & you'll always be.

But,
At this moment, if you'll to come talk to me, i'm sorry. But i'm afraid, i wouldn't really talk much like how we used to be. I've lost so much courage when you were gone. & now, i have no idea where to find back all these courage to face you anymore. But I'm sure, time can heal everything up.

We just need time, my old friend.